Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Who Needs a Belly Shot?
34 Weeks
Six weeks left, assuming that we go to term - but please God, take pity on these tired eyes and this beaten body and let her come early.

Oh, I shouldn't really complain. In all honesty, this pregnancy hasn't been that difficult. No restless legs or aching hips, no sore back, no extreme nausea, no pimples or stretch marks (knock on wood) or anything else to point at and say see, see what havoc this baby is wreaking on my body? It's difficult, this time around, as the havoc is mostly internal - the fatigue, the hormonal turmoil, the inability to focus on anything.

But, I took this picture tonight and saw it - the intangible 'it' that this pregnancy changed about me. I'm not sure what 'it' is, exactly, but this picture is missing something, a part of me. It's either missing, or it's buried (or sleeping - I'd like to think that at least part of me is getting rest while I'm tossing and turning with heartburn and a full bladder.) In any event - I think this picture of pregnancy is far more telling than the rounded shape of my stomach, which looks much the same as it did when it held my son.

The picture also leaves me unsettled. It reminds me a little too much of my father - Not that he's an unattractive man, or because I fear waking up middle-aged to find myself with a sunburnt bald patch on the crown of my skull - but because he's the person in my life I may never find the words enough (or the emotional energy enough, pregnant or not) to write about. It's a reminder of our similarities, physical and non. It's almost enough to make me not want to post it.

Almost.

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10 Comments:

Blogger zhoen said...

Startling, ain't it, to see one's parent staring back in the mirror? To know we've made different choices, are different people, but to see their eyes staring back from our own face.

Unnerving. But an illusion.

Blogger LJ said...

You look wistful. Is that the word? Is that the "missing" that you see?

I doubt you'll find a bald patch Mella...and can I say that although there's an undeniable sense of loss when you age - there are SO many gains.

Hope your daughter comes soon.

Blogger Teri said...

You didn't say directly that you feel unattractive or inadequate in this photo, and I know you're PG and it's a natural time for seeing things out of perspective...

But I've been reading you for a year now and ever so subtley you communicate that you feel less than in one way or another.

I just wanted to tell you that you are incredibly beautiful. Beautiful like there's no room for debate; as Harry said to Sally: You are empirically attractive. I want you to get that. I know my saying it doesn't make it true for you, but just chew on it for awhile. (Please.)

When I saw that photo, I thought God she is beautiful!! She's even beautiful tired and 34 weeks pregnant!

Blogger me said...

I remembered think 'Gosh! ...' looking at myself two or three years after having both of my boys!...

Mine two are now 21 and 22, and I was and am gladed that it happened that way!

Someday looking back and you will see...! :) There is no other ways, there could be no other way!

Beside like teri said: you are incredibly beautiful. Enjoy yourself and your life.

Blogger Darkmind said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger david C said...

I would look that way too if I had to give up coffee...

Blogger Mella said...

Zhoen ~ It's an illusion, you're so right. Thank you!

LJ ~ Oh, I don't fear aging (at least, not yet), but I do fear growing more and more like my father. I don't mean to villanize him, by any means - but our relationship is complicated and hard, and I don't want that for any of my other relationships.

Teri ~ Thank you. There was a time (ok, years) where I felt less than adequate, less than beautiful. But recently, the feelings have dissipated, and been replaced by appreciation for what my body can do, what my eyes can convey when words fail, how my smile can touch others - though, you're right, I don't look in the mirror and think "beautiful" And I've always been somewhat self-deprecating or modest, which probably explains the unintential, but most likely there vibe of being less-than

And of course, there's also the standard baggage that women my age tend to carry, mostly a lifetime of small comments made here or there (that I foolishly let matter.)

Oh, and before this turns into an entire blog-post on it's own - Thanks for the When Harry Met Sally quote - that made my day.

Me ~ Thank you for the encouragement! And congratulations on raising two young men so close in age - I'm sure it's been a long road, but one that you would take over again if you could. I hope that I can look back just the same in 20 years.

Darkmind That's the word I was looking for - sapped. I feel sapped. They say that baby girls "steal their mother's beauty" (or nutrients, which leads to lack of luster) - and that's how I feel - sapped. Oh gosh, and I'm drinking enough water to float a family of fish in my stomach for days...Wait, maybe that's what I feel moving around in there. Maybe it's not the baby at all...

David Ha! It's so true! That's probably how I look even when not pregnant and in need a cup of coffee! Oh coffee... just one more reason I can't wait for delivery day.

Blogger Teri said...

Yay for When Harry Met Sally! So many great lines from that movie.

What could be worse than Mr. Zero knowing?

Another one of my faves!

Blogger Mella said...

Oh so true - Every so often my husband will bust out a "There is too much pepper on my paprikash" in the kitchen and it reminds me all over again why I love him.

Man, now I'm really in the mood to see that again. I think I've just made plans for tomorrow's naptime...

Blogger Susanna Rose said...

I'm so excited for you Mella...almost there! I'm sorry you're so exhausted...and I can't imagine what it must be like taking care of one while pregnant with another (I had enough trouble while pregnantkeeping awake without another child to take care of!) I can't wait to see pics of your baby girl and just to let you know, if you do indeed look a lot like your dad, that can't be a bad thing cause you're so naturally beautiful! Keep strong!

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