Monday, September 11, 2006
What Was My Point Again?
I'm walking for walking's sake tonight. Not out of guilt for having eaten more than I should have. Not out of fear of some number on the scale, or out of the desire escape something. I'm just walking in place, toward the glow of the TV screen with its sitcom reruns and food network specials, until I can't remember why I got on the machine in the first place. Boredom, perhaps?

These are the last few weeks, and my time is limited. My time. I bury my face beneath blankets during my son's naptime, tired or not, I force myself to be still. To embrace the stillness of the house, the slow dripping of the faucet, the click of acorns falling from their heights and clattering across my roof. All the while knowing that my time is running short.

Less than two months to go now, before we become awash in three-am feedings and float through our days, eyes cloaked in sleep, hands fumbling through cabinets for bottles and bibs and burp clothes, legs carelessly banging into chairs and table corners, hair unwashed and wild. All of it a blur. But this time, worse. This time, we're not alone - no longer a contained unit of three swimming through sleep-deprived insanity. This time, there will be a toddler to contend with, and as though my body knows that it's no match for this impending doom, I walk. In training, perhaps. In anxiety.

Should I be walking pointlessly tonight? Probably not. I should be writing, preparing my final two submission for the semester so that it won't be another stress after childbirth. But I'm not. Perhaps, I'm walking away from that. From the pressure of needing to perform.

My husband is playing basketball tonight, and I'm jealous. Not that I want to sweat it out on a court with middle-aged men attempting to resurrect some high school athletic high. No, it's the mindlessness of it that I want. Not to be without thought, but to be utterly clear in my thinking. Uncluttered. I want the ability to focus on something so simple and singular. Ball. Hoop. Go.

This is what I'm craving. Why I'm walking. Maybe.

Because right now, I'm utterly lost in the state of mind so eloquently described as "preggo-brain" - nothing is focused. Nothing is clear. And even walking, for miles and miles, mindlessly as it may seem, isn't helping. Perhaps the only cure is birth. But then, there's the whole bleary-eyed, sleepless nights state of being, which also offers very little in terms of mental clarity.

Let's see...perhaps another six months from now I'll be a little more clear headed.

Stay tuned.



Blogger Katie said...

Hang in there, Mella. This too shall pass. Pretty soon you will be gazing down at your perfect little daughter and this will all be just a distant memory.

Soak up the quietness while you can. If you don't have an extreme amount of mental clarity right now, that's okay too. I think it is important to just let the moments be what they will be. No matter what they are. They all are taking us to a point and it is means something to go through what we go through.

Now that I have gone all philosophical on you, I'll go :)

Wish you well, Mella.

Take care, Jamie

Blogger Darkmind said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger TrappedInColorado said...

You have GOT to write a book.... your style and prose are outstanding!

Blogger Mella said...

Jamie Thanks so much - you're always such an encouragement, and it's appreciated.

Darkmind I love that idea - a mind mansion to retreat to. Wait...I think I already have one of those, except mine is sort of set in the future, where I'm relaxed and calm having no diapers to change and a book or two out on the shelves at the local Barnes and Noble.

Trapped It's so good to know that my mental clutter can pass as prose! (I actually just typed proze...if that tells you anything about my state of mind at the moment) Someday, assuming that I don't die young, I'll get something written and completed, (and hopefully published.) I promise.

Blogger Teri said...


Be here now.

Not that I could take this advice, if I were in your shoes. I feel something close to panic when I think of having a newborn and a toddler, and I also want it so bad I feel panicked about the possibility of never experiencing pregnancy, childbirth and the rest again.

So I just have to tell myself:
Be here now.

PS. You'll do'll be'll find the comfort in between the feedings and the diapers, in the midst of all of it, verything will be perfect.

Blogger Mella said...

Teri ~ Be here now. Best advice. Thank you. (And good luck to both of us in following it...)

Blogger LJ said...

Mary (Breath of Air) recently sent me a quote about the effect that it's non-acceptance that creates the stress, as opposed to the situation, itself.
A kind of only-way-out-is-through sort of thing.
And there are times when we're here with our heads packed to the explosion point, worried, anxious, jumping ahead in time to every possible future disaster, and it feels almost impossible to get clear of the mental overcrowding. Almost impossible to be here now. But Teri is right. Being here, now, is what it takes...
And this whirling trapped stage passes. I don't know how that happens, but it does. Soon, I hope.
Best to you, Mella...

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