What Was My Point Again?

I'm walking for walking's sake tonight. Not out of guilt for having eaten more than I should have. Not out of fear of some number on the scale, or out of the desire escape something. I'm just walking in place, toward the glow of the TV screen with its sitcom reruns and food network specials, until I can't remember why I got on the machine in the first place. Boredom, perhaps?

These are the last few weeks, and my time is limited. My time. I bury my face beneath blankets during my son's naptime, tired or not, I force myself to be still. To embrace the stillness of the house, the slow dripping of the faucet, the click of acorns falling from their heights and clattering across my roof. All the while knowing that my time is running short.

Less than two months to go now, before we become awash in three-am feedings and float through our days, eyes cloaked in sleep, hands fumbling through cabinets for bottles and bibs and burp clothes, legs carelessly banging into chairs and table corners, hair unwashed and wild. All of it a blur. But this time, worse. This time, we're not alone - no longer a contained unit of three swimming through sleep-deprived insanity. This time, there will be a toddler to contend with, and as though my body knows that it's no match for this impending doom, I walk. In training, perhaps. In anxiety.

Should I be walking pointlessly tonight? Probably not. I should be writing, preparing my final two submission for the semester so that it won't be another stress after childbirth. But I'm not. Perhaps, I'm walking away from that. From the pressure of needing to perform.

My husband is playing basketball tonight, and I'm jealous. Not that I want to sweat it out on a court with middle-aged men attempting to resurrect some high school athletic high. No, it's the mindlessness of it that I want. Not to be without thought, but to be utterly clear in my thinking. Uncluttered. I want the ability to focus on something so simple and singular. Ball. Hoop. Go.

This is what I'm craving. Why I'm walking. Maybe.

Because right now, I'm utterly lost in the state of mind so eloquently described as "preggo-brain" - nothing is focused. Nothing is clear. And even walking, for miles and miles, mindlessly as it may seem, isn't helping. Perhaps the only cure is birth. But then, there's the whole bleary-eyed, sleepless nights state of being, which also offers very little in terms of mental clarity.

Let's see...perhaps another six months from now I'll be a little more clear headed.

Stay tuned.