Friday, June 09, 2006
Here's to Letting Go...
Sitting in a hotel suite, my son is banging toy trucks against the air conditioner vent, the desk is cluttered with faxes and forms and applications for mortgage lenders, the phone is off the hook (with the disconnected handset trailing around The Boss's little legs), towels are spilled in a heap across the couch, blocks and books and puzzles are scattered over the floor and from the corner of the room, the Food Network is teaching me how to perfect my lobster bisque recipe.

And at the center of it all, I'm at peace.

Summer sent an email this morning, she's back with the boyfriend who bruised her breasts and marked her arms with deep purple fingerprints (whom she left not even two weeks ago to pursue another man, who subsequently has decided he wanted to screw his ex instead.) And so she's back with the abusive coke head. Her soon-to-be ex-husband is demanding more visitations with the children and for Summer to give him money towards payments on their old house (that has yet to sell.) The tone of her email is desperate. Help me. Fix me. Tell me what to do.

And at the center of it all, I'm at peace.

The seller accepted our offer on the house, and now we're entering the terrible nerve-wracking, humbling experience of spilling our financial lives out for strangers to pick at and scrutinize. My realtor calls often. My husband is busy in business meetings and training and I'm left to fill out fax-smudged documents while holding our son at arms distance so that he doesn't get sticky fingers on the important papers.

And at the center of it all, I'm at peace.

My body is no longer my own, and is making it known moreso with each day. My hormones are a mess. I burst out in hysterical laughter during sex the other night, which would have been fine, except that it then turned to sobbing...and when my husband asked, quite nervously, what was wrong, I started laughing so hard that I again doubled over in tears.

I stand in front of the mirror and lift my shirt to study the smooth white skin of my slowly-stretching stomach. Will there be stretch marks this time? Is the scale going to scream at me at my next appointment? Have I lost the contours of my face - has it become rounder. Fatter. Twenty-more weeks of self-scrutiny and hormonal mishmash to go.

And at the center of it all, I'm at peace.

Time to let go of these things I can not control and embrace the ones that I can. Like my little man, who's so quietly sipping his juice now and staring out the wide windows at the cars that rush past. Vrooom. His voice hums from behind the cup. The sound of life moving beyond our small space. The sound of letting go.

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9 Comments:

Blogger Patry Francis said...

Peace. What a lovely refrain.

Blogger zhoen said...

Peace is never about what is going on around, never because of an absence of noise and confusion. Real peace is always from inside.

Good for you for finding it.

Good for you for knowing the limits of your power, and letting the rest go.

Blogger oldhall said...

Thanks for that, I enjoyed it

Blogger TrappedInColorado said...

Wow. You continue to impress. I assume you are writing something for publishing at the same time as these posts. You are very very good.

Peace

Blogger Jocelyne said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Jocelyne said...

Thanks for that Mella, I appreciate your beautiful honesty

Blogger Mella said...

Patry It is, isn't it? I've been working on repeating it to myself for the past few days and it's been a refreshing reminder.

Zhoen Working on it, still. Always.

Old Hall Thanks!

Trapped Thank you so much, I appreciate the encouragement. Sadly, for the past couple of weeks I've been doing nothing but reworking old writing (for school) and reading through other people's manuscripts (also for school) - I'm looking forward to getting back into trying to write something publishing house worthy soon. I'm sure I'll be even more energized to do so after my couple weeks of on-campus classes at the end of the month.

Jocelyne Why thank you, I'm happy to share, and even happier to have people who want to read what I've written.

Blogger LJ said...

Mella's back. The snow melts. The earth turns. Mella writes.

Blogger B said...

letting go is hard to do but so necessary. nice post.

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