Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Musings from the Sandbox
The question occurred to me today while kneeling beside my son in a sandbox, smiling (effortlessly, even in the oppressive heat) at his determination as he filled his pail with shovelfuls of slippery sand. I love him, admire him and adore him with so much ferocious maternal love that my heart actually aches beneath weight of it all.

So, how can I possibly love another human being as much as I love this one?

Summer asked me this question when she was expecting her second daughter and I, childless and all knowing, responded with some sort of cliche "oh, you'll be surprised how much love your heart can hold" or something equally ignorant and ridiculous - never thinking that I'd ever find myself doubting my own words.

But now, I see she was right to wonder.

Soon - there will be two children with my heart attached to their sleeves running around playgrounds and schools and the world at large. There will be another small hand looking to fit in the fold of my fingers, another warm pulse wrapped in my arms and beating against my own. The very thought makes my heart quiver - scared of the ache, of the weight, of the potential for explosion - overwhelmed at the very prospect.

And then s/he bumps me gently from inside, nudging me back to reality, where I smile and press a palm to my stomach, realizing that it's too late. I'm already there.

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8 Comments:

Blogger Hamish and Leesha said...

Not being a parent and not wating to be a parent, I think it is beautiful the way you describe your pregnancy and feelings for the Boss.
From what I have heard, your first born always holds a special place in your heart that no one will ever take.
but what do I know? I don't have children...

~Leesha~

Blogger Mella said...

Hi Leesha, thank you for your kind words. I'm sure that you're right about the first holding a special place - I can't imagine how else it could be (then again, before having my son, I had no idea that I was capable of so much love...)

My husband has always insisted that the first will forever be his favorite (this was before we even conceived number 1) - it will be interesting to see his reaction to holding number 2.

Blogger Jonathan said...

Granted I am not a father yet. I look forward to it very much and it's memories and thoughts that you are having now that make me look forward to it so much more.

I found out I will be a Godfather soon and that alone made me cry. Anyways...good to read your thoughts and good luck with both your children.

By the way nice blog design. Visit mine if you get a chance. http://jdrhyne.blogspot.com

~ Jonathan D. Rhyne

Blogger Kier said...

Beautiful blog! I myself wonder how I could possibly love another being the way I love and cherish and adore my daughter Emma (6 months old). I can't wait to find out. :)

Your son is adorable...hope you don't mind me wandering around in here a bit.

Blogger Tracey said...

Mella,
I stumbled on your blog and I find it sweet and real.

I have 3 children - 7 yr boy, 4 yr boy, and 7 month girl. Each is a different experience. And each time you wonder how you will live with another human being in your life and heart. And each time it is impossible to imagine life withOUT that child after he/she arrives.

Enjoy your time with your first as young childhood is a fleeting thing... Congratulations on your second and best wishes for a happy and healthy pregnancy & delivery!

Blogger Mella said...

Jd Thank you, I'm sure you're going to be a fantastic godfather to your neice!

Kier What an adorable picture of your daughter! Thank you for your comment, and please feel free to poke around!

Tracey Thank you. I was thinking about how I felt before I had my son and realized that you're right - before he was here, I couldn't fathom the love that it'd feel, and now, I can't imagine my life without him.

Blogger zhoen said...

Good for you for not taking it for granted. Many children feel a parent loves one child more than another. Perhaps it does take a conscious effort to love all one's children so that each feels most loved.

I got to you from Owlhaven's post, and I'm t he one that prompted her to write it. Due to my post. Anyway, thanks for sharing this. Wonderful! I do agree b/c I am pregnant and I feel that way...

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