Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Conversations with The Boss
About a month ago in my parents living room as I prepared to leave for work, my son walked up to my father and said

Grampy, there's a baby in my Momma's tummy.

Oh! My father played along as though the news was new to him as well. So you are going to have a baby brother or sister?

Brother, my son shot back without so much as a blink or a breath and then turned to play with his truck.

On this there is no debate - he is having a brother.

Two weeks ago, on a weekend trip planned for seeing barnyard animals and riding Ferris Wheels, I spent a restless night in a hotel room with my children. Before tucking them in, I saw red in the bathroom. A sucker punch. A gut check. I wondered - Can I go through the motions of motherhood, of kisses on foreheads and bedside prayers. Can I make them feel safe, when I myself am alone and worried that I might bleed more, might have the baby slide from me in my sleep?

By the early hours of the morning, my children had each crept from their bed and come to lay with me in mine. We tossed and turned together, pushed pillows, twisted sheets. None of us slept, but I was unwilling to wake up.

Hours later, I had an appointment set and we were packing. My father reasoned that it made sense to do so, even though the weekend was only just beginning. Still, he thought, in the event the news at the hospital was bad, we wouldn't need to drive back to get our things.

I tugged a sock over my son's heel and he asked me, What are you doing?

I'm putting on your socks and shoes, I told him but his puzzled expression stopped me and I held his sneaker in my palm.

Are you taking my brother out? He asked.

On the van ride home, as the kids sat on the bench seat behind me watching Disney's Fantasia, I tried to keep my crying as quiet as I could, tried to time my breath with the swelling of the music.

This morning, a beautiful October morning with sunlight and orange tinged leaves peeking through my bedroom windows, Lila and The Boss climbed onto my bed,each with their blankets, their blankies one might say. It's cold, The Boss announced.

It is.

Can I put my blanket on your tummy to keep the baby warm? My son asked, and he did just that.

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Friday, October 03, 2008

Baaaa!, originally uploaded by Mellahaney.

And now that I've shaken the dust off of this blog by dazzling you all with a photo of a child gleefully squealing from behind a cardboard painting of a sheep - let me say, I'm not dead.

I am however, pregnant.

After the initial shock, (which was quickly followed by happiness and then trailed by fear) came the dissolution of my mental capacity, and therefore, my ability to write, either here or elsewhere.

Despite having seen the heartbeat at the beginning of September, last week I was certain we were having a deja vu moment. The doctor ordered an ultrasound, my kids and parents and I packed up our trip to CT and my husband left his job to be by my side.

They did not turn the monitor to face me and when the technician first pressed the wand to my abdomen, I was asked about my other two children. How old are they?

Questions of distraction. Never mind me, don't read my expression, let's talk about the spacing between the children you already have.

I cried, as I knew I would.

But it was at the relief of finally seeing our baby waving, the heart beat flickering. Strong.

So, that's me. That's where I've been. There's more, much more. Trips. Weekends away. Some new writings making their way out to the world. New jobs. But for now, I'm going to settle back in slowly...and hopefully not disappear for another month at a time.

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