About a month ago in my parents living room as I prepared to leave for work, my son walked up to my father and said
Grampy, there's a baby in my Momma's tummy.
Oh! My father played along as though the news was new to him as well. So you are going to have a baby brother or sister?
Brother, my son shot back without so much as a blink or a breath and then turned to play with his truck.
On this there is no debate - he is having a brother.
Two weeks ago, on a weekend trip planned for seeing barnyard animals and riding Ferris Wheels, I spent a restless night in a hotel room with my children. Before tucking them in, I saw red in the bathroom. A sucker punch. A gut check. I wondered - Can I go through the motions of motherhood, of kisses on foreheads and bedside prayers. Can I make them feel safe, when I myself am alone and worried that I might bleed more, might have the baby slide from me in my sleep?
By the early hours of the morning, my children had each crept from their bed and come to lay with me in mine. We tossed and turned together, pushed pillows, twisted sheets. None of us slept, but I was unwilling to wake up.
Hours later, I had an appointment set and we were packing. My father reasoned that it made sense to do so, even though the weekend was only just beginning. Still, he thought, in the event the news at the hospital was bad, we wouldn't need to drive back to get our things.
I tugged a sock over my son's heel and he asked me, What are you doing?
I'm putting on your socks and shoes, I told him but his puzzled expression stopped me and I held his sneaker in my palm.
Are you taking my brother out? He asked.
On the van ride home, as the kids sat on the bench seat behind me watching Disney's Fantasia, I tried to keep my crying as quiet as I could, tried to time my breath with the swelling of the music.
This morning, a beautiful October morning with sunlight and orange tinged leaves peeking through my bedroom windows, Lila and The Boss climbed onto my bed,each with their blankets, their blankies one might say. It's cold, The Boss announced.
It is.
Can I put my blanket on your tummy to keep the baby warm? My son asked, and he did just that.
Grampy, there's a baby in my Momma's tummy.
Oh! My father played along as though the news was new to him as well. So you are going to have a baby brother or sister?
Brother, my son shot back without so much as a blink or a breath and then turned to play with his truck.
On this there is no debate - he is having a brother.
Two weeks ago, on a weekend trip planned for seeing barnyard animals and riding Ferris Wheels, I spent a restless night in a hotel room with my children. Before tucking them in, I saw red in the bathroom. A sucker punch. A gut check. I wondered - Can I go through the motions of motherhood, of kisses on foreheads and bedside prayers. Can I make them feel safe, when I myself am alone and worried that I might bleed more, might have the baby slide from me in my sleep?
By the early hours of the morning, my children had each crept from their bed and come to lay with me in mine. We tossed and turned together, pushed pillows, twisted sheets. None of us slept, but I was unwilling to wake up.
Hours later, I had an appointment set and we were packing. My father reasoned that it made sense to do so, even though the weekend was only just beginning. Still, he thought, in the event the news at the hospital was bad, we wouldn't need to drive back to get our things.
I tugged a sock over my son's heel and he asked me, What are you doing?
I'm putting on your socks and shoes, I told him but his puzzled expression stopped me and I held his sneaker in my palm.
Are you taking my brother out? He asked.
On the van ride home, as the kids sat on the bench seat behind me watching Disney's Fantasia, I tried to keep my crying as quiet as I could, tried to time my breath with the swelling of the music.
This morning, a beautiful October morning with sunlight and orange tinged leaves peeking through my bedroom windows, Lila and The Boss climbed onto my bed,each with their blankets, their blankies one might say. It's cold, The Boss announced.
It is.
Can I put my blanket on your tummy to keep the baby warm? My son asked, and he did just that.
