This is what I'm trying to do - as days go by without the peace of nap time - as nights go by spent away from home, working a job that will never be a career - as I try to find moments to sit and write.
If for no other reason than this - that I have never been so motivated to write and succeed at doing so, than I am at the moment - the entire MFA program was worth it.
Sure, my motivation is partially born from my natural inclination to scribble and doodle and spend time caring deeply about worlds that no one will ever know exist if I don't sit down and create them - but it is also born of a desperation and a desire to achieve that has not been there prior to now.
Perhaps it's from watching as Lila takes her first steps - how she falls and rises again and again. How she applauds herself in between, perhaps for learning better how to fall, for learning better how to anticipate and prepare herself for the inevitable, the soft bump of her bottom on the carpet, the tile, the wood planks of the floor. And there's the determination in her eyes as she pulls herself back up - focused only on using her strength, on straightening her legs, on balancing her weight, on doing everything in her control to reach her goal. She strives. She succeeds. She claps. And then her face pinches for a moment, as she prepares again for the fall, and we begin again. With applause.
I want to tell her that this is where I am too.
But there's time for that yet.
*Challenge update: Muddled. Been writing, not nearly enough, perhaps an average of 1100 words a day. But what has become interesting is how this (supposedly new) novel has begun to teach me about Grace - about her character and how perhaps there was more to her story that was waiting for the right quiet moment to present itself. And so, I say the writing is muddled, because, I'm not sure what it is that I'm writing anymore. Is it new? Or is it simply a back entrance to a work I thought I'd wandered too far away from?
If for no other reason than this - that I have never been so motivated to write and succeed at doing so, than I am at the moment - the entire MFA program was worth it.
Sure, my motivation is partially born from my natural inclination to scribble and doodle and spend time caring deeply about worlds that no one will ever know exist if I don't sit down and create them - but it is also born of a desperation and a desire to achieve that has not been there prior to now.
Perhaps it's from watching as Lila takes her first steps - how she falls and rises again and again. How she applauds herself in between, perhaps for learning better how to fall, for learning better how to anticipate and prepare herself for the inevitable, the soft bump of her bottom on the carpet, the tile, the wood planks of the floor. And there's the determination in her eyes as she pulls herself back up - focused only on using her strength, on straightening her legs, on balancing her weight, on doing everything in her control to reach her goal. She strives. She succeeds. She claps. And then her face pinches for a moment, as she prepares again for the fall, and we begin again. With applause.
I want to tell her that this is where I am too.
But there's time for that yet.
*Challenge update: Muddled. Been writing, not nearly enough, perhaps an average of 1100 words a day. But what has become interesting is how this (supposedly new) novel has begun to teach me about Grace - about her character and how perhaps there was more to her story that was waiting for the right quiet moment to present itself. And so, I say the writing is muddled, because, I'm not sure what it is that I'm writing anymore. Is it new? Or is it simply a back entrance to a work I thought I'd wandered too far away from?
Labels: Challenge, Lila, Writing Life
5 Comments:
Only Grace can say.
Not to worry, you will gain momentum.
That happened to me once. I started a new story, only to find it was my old story, only approached from a different angle! Weird when that happens. I hope you get it sorted out.
Lila's walking already?! Wow! How old is she now? Sounds like she's started walking early. Lily started walking on Fathers Day. That was a treat for my hubby. :)
"spend time caring deeply about worlds that no one will ever know exist if I don't sit down and create them"
You do create incredible, beautiful worlds with your writing!
Man, I just still can't believe Lila's walking...isn't she just 7 or 8 months? Amazing!:)
P.S. I was tagged and then tagged you on my new site, Mommy, Inc as one of 8 people to fill out 8 random things about yourself! Just wanted you to know...it's a fun exercise!
I love what you said about Lila taking her first steps.
I often find out what I'm writing after I've already started writing it. Everything's all foggy and then, pages in, I know. Even when I plan (especially when I plan!) this can happen. I can't control even myself, I guess.
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