Ten Years Already??

Things are beckoning me to look backward lately. Emails from names I haven't spoken in nearly a decade are popping up in my inbox. Ah, the ease of the Internet, such a nice tool when plotting one's high school reunion.

My class was a small one - a public school, but there were under sixty students who donned caps and gowns over a decade ago. I read a poem at the ceremony. Something about not forgetting, about letting some small piece of us stay there, about coming home, eventually.

I forget now.

Now, the idea of returning is both invigorating and unnerving. High school was not the penultimate experience of my life - far from it. It was simply an obstacle to overcome, a hurdle to leap, an end to seek. And yes, on that overcast June afternoon ten years ago, I urged my classmates to look back fondly and remember 'the good times' - but the reality is, there isn't all that much I wanted to hold onto myself.

I didn't let anyone in, didn't get close, didn't have any remnant of my class receive an invitation when I walked down the aisle five years ago, didn't even speak to anyone after that graduation ceremony.

I seem to be good at walking away. Letting go. Moving on.

Yet, it is somewhat appealing to think of going back, now that I know myself better. Now that I'm not the nodding, smiling girl sitting at the cafeteria table, waiting to be spoken to and nervous about what to say in response.

I'm not looking to return with a sack full of bragging rights slung over my shoulder. I'm well aware that my fellow classmates have me outscored in that arena. Scientists, pharmacists, successful sales reps, accountants - all the things that matter on paper.

Me? I'm a stay-at-home mom, living in a teeny house in another small town (albeit, in a nice little home) who putters around the fringes of the publishing world while spilling coffee and wiping up poo (occasionally at the same time.)

Of course, I love it - wouldn't change my life at all (save perhaps some of the diaper mishaps, I could do without those...)

No, I suppose I'm simply drawn in by the nostalgia of it all. It's been a long time and I find myself wanting to see the faces I grew up with, played soccer with, shared smelly bus seats with, laughed with, cried with. The faces of the only people who can truly understand the small part of me that was shaped by growing up rubbing elbows and grass stained knees with them, in that claustrophobic little town.

And yes, weighing a bit less, I think I look at least a little better now than I did in high school. So, of course, there's the vain sliver of myself who wants to be seen. Or to at least walk into the room with my head held high - and there's nothing wrong with that.

Now, all this reunion talk has stirred up the urge to watch Grosse Pointe Blank. My favorite high school reunion movie, with a great soundtrack to boot.