Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Thoughts at Two and a Half Centimeters...
I'm not in the mood to have a baby.

I actually said that to my husband last night - as though having a baby is something that requires the right feeling at the right moment, like choosing between Chinese or Italian or Action or Comedy.

And, if I'm being nakedly honest here, I'll admit that what I said is not untrue. Life right now is comfortable and nice. The three of us have created for ourselves a home and a routine that works and makes us all happy...and yes, I'm nervous about adding a new person to the equation. Sleepless nights and the hard work of learning to navigate my way around an a new infant aside - it's this time in my life that I'm not ready to let go of. The moments of just The Boss and I at the park, or playing countless games of pat-a-cake and The Itsy Bitsy Spider. Or watching together at the door as his father pulls into the driveway and makes our family complete.

Of course, of course, I realize that these feelings are natural and normal and that any apprehension I'm having is strictly routine to the point of being boring. Yes, I'm sure. But still, at two and a half centimeters dilated and the end within days, we've reached a true point-of-no-return, and stubborn as I am, it's hard to not want to dig in my heels and hold firmly here.

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8 Comments:

Blogger MER said...

again I enjoy how you express yourself there is something big for you out there with your talent

Blogger Darkmind said...

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Blogger zhoen said...

Like jumping off a cliff, and deciding that life really is good, afterall.

But you have been down this road before, you will find your way again, so that you could not imagine it otherwise.

Blogger Phx said...

I felt the same way with LB... even when I was in labour and when the birth finally arrived, I was still mentally digging in my heels, not ready for everything to change.

But it did.

And it's an adventure isn't it. :)

Blogger Teri said...

oh Mella! I hear ya. Never been there twice around, so I can just empathize. But I wanted to wish you a joyous, relatively drama-free birth.

xxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoo

(Can't wait to hear about it! Holding you close to my heart...)

Blogger Katie said...

Mella, thinking of you.

I've never had a child, so I won't even pretend to know how you feel. I can't empathize, but I send you the best wishes.

Hope all goes well with the delivery. I know Lila will be well worth the labor.

Can't wait to hear about your new adventures!

Take care and be well.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wondering at this very moment what you are doing? Has she arrived yet? Are you still digging in your heels?
I understand your feelings of not wanting those moments with just you and baby #1 to change at all. Wanting to hold onto those precious moments as tight as you can. But remember, in a few more days you won't be able to imagine how you could have desired anything differently than your family of FOUR...
Hugs. And sending you loving thoughts for a safe and smooth labor/delivery. xoxo

Blogger LJ said...

Boy oh boy, there's a contract you can't break. But I can well imagine why, time to time, you'd like to...
But you know, life never settles for long, I find. The status quo is always overturned by something. At least this "something" will have moments of sweetness.
And then next time the urge occurs, maybe you could read back. I'm smiling.

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