I'm considering things - small and large. The roles I play, the weight that each has on myself as an individual - as an artist, a mother, a friend. And how I balance them all, the desires of my heart, with the rules of the world (must earn money to pay for home, feed children, etc) and the demands of parenthood.
A friend asked if it's too much - if there's a price to be paid for wanting it all. I shook my head and said, Of course not - it's completely possible to balance everything! And isn't it better that your children see you reaching for your dreams, in order to see that it's ok for them to reach for theirs?
Thinking about it though, I know I'm wrong. I know that logically speaking, there must be a price. No one is able to do all things and be all things that they want for themselves, and for those around them - not without something falling to the wayside.
And so, the question I found myself considering wasn't, is it possible, but is it worth it. Was getting married young worth it? Was having children before I established myself in my chosen "career" worth it?
I'm not far enough past my decisions to see the full impact that they'll have on shaping my life - but from where I am this afternoon...my answer is yes.
It's worth it to me, to see the world through my childrens eyes. To rediscover things I've long dismissed, filed away as things-known in the back of my mind. Grass can be sharp and prickly when you sit down on it with bare legs. Bugs are incredibly fascinating. Trucks are loud, (and sometimes blue, or yellow or green.) Sticky fingers will soon make sticky cheeks and clumpy hair. Laughter is contagious. Snow crunches when you step on it, and melts when you try to bring it inside.
All things that I know, have known for years - but watching as the realization breaks over my son's face is priceless - and completely worth every moment of quiet that I've lost - completely worth the wobbly sense of balance I've developed, straddling the line between the me I was before children, and the me that I am in their eyes.
A friend asked if it's too much - if there's a price to be paid for wanting it all. I shook my head and said, Of course not - it's completely possible to balance everything! And isn't it better that your children see you reaching for your dreams, in order to see that it's ok for them to reach for theirs?
Thinking about it though, I know I'm wrong. I know that logically speaking, there must be a price. No one is able to do all things and be all things that they want for themselves, and for those around them - not without something falling to the wayside.
And so, the question I found myself considering wasn't, is it possible, but is it worth it. Was getting married young worth it? Was having children before I established myself in my chosen "career" worth it?
I'm not far enough past my decisions to see the full impact that they'll have on shaping my life - but from where I am this afternoon...my answer is yes.
It's worth it to me, to see the world through my childrens eyes. To rediscover things I've long dismissed, filed away as things-known in the back of my mind. Grass can be sharp and prickly when you sit down on it with bare legs. Bugs are incredibly fascinating. Trucks are loud, (and sometimes blue, or yellow or green.) Sticky fingers will soon make sticky cheeks and clumpy hair. Laughter is contagious. Snow crunches when you step on it, and melts when you try to bring it inside.
All things that I know, have known for years - but watching as the realization breaks over my son's face is priceless - and completely worth every moment of quiet that I've lost - completely worth the wobbly sense of balance I've developed, straddling the line between the me I was before children, and the me that I am in their eyes.
Labels: Motherhood, Myself
3 Comments:
It is possible to balance it all, but how you feel about it makes the difference. The people who manage to balance it all and feel like it is a chore will live stressful and dramatically shortened lives. But the people who manage to balance it all because they like the challenge and feeling of purpose that having lots of responsibility brings-those are the people you see on the news doing the cha-cha on thier 100th birthday...
Mella...I know I don't comment much anymore but I do read your posts usually but just don't get around to commenting anywhere anymore like I should. Anyways, I made almost every decision you made as well and probably at around the same age too...young wife...young mom without a wopping career going on. I second your yes that it is worth it and I admire you so much for writing with a passion continuously...there is no way your children will be able to miss the fact that they can reach for their dreams as well!!!:)
You are the only one who can decide what it is all worth to you. And I believe you.
Life is long. Very little is unchangeable.
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