Tuesday, November 28, 2006
No Kisses
Today. I held it for only a moment, ran my thumb over the smooth ivory skin, marveled at his growth - but only for a moment, a breath - before he pulled away and filled his small palm with a fistful of blanket.

After church on Sunday, I went to pick him up from the nursery and he barely cast me a glance acknowledging my arrival. If anything, the look in his eyes was panic - that I was going to take him away from his friends.

Yesterday, leaning in to buckle him into his carseat we played a game with our eyes. Blinking. Smiling. Winking, then laughing. But when I leaned close enough to brush my lips on the apple of his cheeks, he turned away and threw his hands against my face.

No kisses.

And so we have the first physical signs of what I've known all along - I'm losing him.

I know it sounds melodramatic: My toddler is getting ready to leave me, but on some levels, it's true. And natural, of course. We all discover our own personhood and embark on our own journey's. Who am I to wish something different for my own children? I'm not exactly living at home with my mother now am I? (Ok, I plead to have the last year of my life stricken from the records...)

Even before he was even born, I knew that he wasn't mine to keep. I just didn't think he'd remind me so quickly that he is his own person. A person who might not want his hand held whenever I have the urge to hold it. A person who can decline his mother's kiss in a public parking lot if he so chooses.

I know that it's the start of a phase, of something new. Or perhaps it's only a manifestation of his feelings toward me since I brought home his wriggly, crying little sister. Either way, it hurts more than I'd thought it would. More than I'd prepared myself for.

And I know it's only going to get both better and worse, both sweet and bitter - this lifelong journey of letting go.

Labels: ,


Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok, so this post describes my greatest dread... the moment when my baby begins to actually pull away. Some days I notice it more than others and I just feel like crying. Then others I realize that the changes are gradual and that I'll be prepared as well. Remembering that my mom wasn't kicking and screaming to keep me when I finally left home for college. :) Hang in there. You've got a friend here who understands your pain. ;)

Blogger Darkmind said...

That is a killer story Mellow. OMG he's all like, "Eww cooties!" and yer all like "But Boss, that is totally bogus :(" and then he's all like "nu-uh-No way" and yer all like "Dang" but then yer all like "Its cool, whatever" and then yer all thinking and stuff that it really is cool but like totally in a harsh way fer sure. OMG you are like TOTALLY mature!!!

Blogger Novice said...

It's hard for me to imagine that this will happen to me, because right now Sam is incredibly clingy, and it's frustrating. I've been saying that I worry about his independance. My husband reminds me that it's just a phase, probably a reaction to his being weaned, and he'll be more secure eventually.

Reading this, I am reminded that all too soon he's not going to want to be attached to my neck as I try to do dishes, not going to want to sit in my lap for six or seven sotries. Yes, It will be easier for me to pee, but it's going to hurt.

Emotionally, I mean. Not peeing.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like normal jealousy. A little get-back for bringing that ol' baby home, like anyone asked if he really wanted one. And there's a difference between the concept of "baby sister" and the reality of competition.
Bet you it passes, Mella.
And wait until she hits the age where she thinks he hung the moon and tries to copy everything he does because he's the coolest thing on earth.

Blogger Susanna Rose said...

I get hurt when my three month old Micah seems to appreciate my husband more than me sometimes so I KNOW it's going to be tough when he starts becoming more independent. I do see though from my sister's kids that there really are constant fazes going on in children's lives and just cause he might be less than clingy today, he might want to be kissing and cuddling you constantly the next day!

P.S. A late congrats on the story contest win! Very impressive!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously din know it will hurt this much.. But after reading ur post, i see the p.a.i.n! Ha-ha, that's kinda early of him no? And it's very cheeky of him, to hide the sister's clothes.. :s Amazing what a 3 year old can think of and actually do it! :p

And congrats on the Grand Prize! No surprise of course, ur writing is always amazing! Sometimes touchy, others funny! What is the story about anyway? The Simplest of Acts? Anywhere i can get a peek of it on-line?

=) Stop trying to kiss him, reverse psychology, he'll come back clinging to u! Ha-ha, not sure that works, anyway, all the best handling the 'green' boss<-- am sure he's just jealous, =), the wriggly crying little sister and ur writing!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Babies never cease to amaze me. Danny's brother brought his just-turned-one year old over a couple of weeks ago. I decided to take a group photo, and in true baby fashion he wasn't focusing on the camera (the nerve!). In an attempt to get his attention I said (in my best baby-attention-getting aunty voice) "Liammmm." Without blinking an eye, he looked straight at me, and shot back, "WHAT?" I couldn't believe it, so I tried again, "Liam..." and he did it again, with an even more annoyed tone in his voice than the first time. Apparently "what" is one of the three words he has spoken thus far!!! Oh baby...

Post a Comment

<< Home